I felt I needed to do a slightly different blog today as I had so much on my mind after watching the BBC programme ‘The Big C and Me.’ So I am leaving my story for a moment to just run through a few things that came to mind.

Firstly, people seem surprised that I would want to watch such a programme, or would perhaps advise me not to in case I upset myself. Can I just say, the shit has already hit the fan. I’ve been upset and scared and remain so. I’m living the horror that is cancer.  I want to see and hear what other people with cancer feel. I want to know that I am normal to feel the way I do. I also want to know what happens next? Does the fear go? I related to the woman crying into her vlog at night, as it’s always so much harder at night. When you feel like you have worked yourself up into a frenzy of panic and fear, I would wonder how long the nights could drag on for.

The man with breast cancer who said he hadn’t looked after himself, he smoked, ate lots of Chinese takeaways resonated loudly. He was finding a reason. I also needed a reason. I needed a reason so that I could make sense of it. I had smoked when I was younger. We occasionally get a take away. So was that my reason?  What had I done wrong?  I would look at people who I felt were not as healthy as me and wonder why? Why did they not get cancer but I did?  Was it because I ate red meat? Enjoyed a glass of wine? Hadn’t banned sugar from my diet?  A friend who I met confirmed she did the same when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She ate only organic, lots of freshly prepared foods with home-grown allotment vegetables, so why? She told me I would drive myself mad and I would soon accept that in certain situations no one knows why. Not yet. This feeling of blaming myself started to include what I was putting others through. Because I’ve done something wrong, I’ve given myself cancer and in turn upset all my loved ones. I felt guilty for putting everyone else through this pain.

I convinced myself that my cancer was due to reading a book on my tablet in the sun on holiday. I think the sun reflecting off the glass into my eye caused the damage. I don’t know whether sub consciously I needed an explanation so that I could move forward. Something I can change in my life to stop the cancer in its tracks. But whatever the reason my children are all banned from looking at their phones and tablets in the sun.

After I moved on from wondering why?  I started to become obsessed with all the diets to ‘cure’ cancer. Alkaline, raw, kale, vegan the list goes on. I read about a lady who decided to go on a raw alkaline diet and turn down chemo. I couldn’t do that so therefore convinced myself that  I didn’t deserve to live. How does that even make sense? It did to me. I wasn’t doing enough, so therefore I didn’t want life enough. If it came down to a judgement on who dies or who survives surely you’d pick the person who had made the most changes? They wanted life more. They should finish first with me and my lame attempt to join this ‘you can live forever’ diet, which consisted of me buying a nutri-bullet and having a kale smoothie with some chia seeds chucked in each morning, at the bottom of the pile.

But cancer doesn’t choose who has lived the best, healthiest lives. Cancer doesn’t discriminate between good and bad, young or old, rich or poor. We know it strikes indiscriminately. The mother of five that died on the programme last night had spent a month away from her children, no physical contact, she was doing everything asked of her, so she should have been at the top of the pile. How was that fair? But we know cancer isn’t fair. It isn’t just. A year on I accept it just happened. I did nothing wrong. I am not to blame. I feel no anger to others. I believe I will get better. I believe the cancer won’t spread. Only time will tell whether I’m right or wrong. But during my time I know that being bottom of the pile, not eating a raw vegan diet, with a glass of champagne in my hand and my loved ones around me, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. Cheers!

I also just wanted to say thank you to everyone that is reading my blog. I have thanked (boasted) to my friends on Facebook about the views I’ve had, so I felt it only fair I say thank you to those that aren’t a friend but are taking the time to read my story. About 1,335 views last time I looked! So hello to those in Denmark and China who are also reading my story. I wish you all well.

Ruth xx