Returning to see my eye consultant, at the end of September, I wasn’t as nervous as usual, but the fear was still there. It never fully goes away. It’s as if my body tries to steel itself for another shock, just in case. But it didn’t need to this time. As I sat in her office I informed my consultant that the flickering had practically all gone. The eye drops went in and after the obligatory ten minute wait for the eye to dilate, she confirmed that no fluid was visible. The ultrasound was then done and a tiny bit of fluid was present but most of it had dispersed. It looked like my tumour was finally dying. Hooray! The size remained the same but I was sort of expecting that now. She told me that I was able to have a two month break before having to return. As she spoke she told me how pleased she was as she had been so worried?! What? Oh my god if she had been worried I must have nearly been at death’s door and I definitely wouldn’t have slept for the month. Although think of the weight I might have lost. I laughed as I told her I had stopped worrying about it two weeks ago as the flickering had stopped, maybe I should have done her the courtesy of letting her know that. Mind you if she dropped a dress size too she might be secretly pleased.
We left the office feeling slightly overcome with happiness. There were no ifs and buts on that appointment, no uncertainties, the fluid had all but gone, the orange pigment wasn’t present, the tumour hadn’t grown. Today was a good day. For the first time ever after an appointment my husband and myself went for a quick lunch before he went back to the office. He didn’t need to take me home in tears this time. I sat on the train from Waterloo to Hampton sending happy messages to family and friends. I couldn’t wait to pick the kids up from school and chat about normal things without this dark grey cloud always looming in the background.
But as always with cancer there are more appointments on the horizon. My second MRI was due in November but was being moved to October at my request, as it was my birthday in November and I didn’t want to either be waiting for results or waiting to have the scan, I wanted it over and done with. The next eye appointment would take me to November/December and then I was hoping I’d move to six monthly check ups. I was getting fed up of this whole thing ruling my life. I felt like we couldn’t make any plans, just in case. And monthly appointments come round far too quickly, especially as I tend to spend the two weeks prior to an appointment apprehensive and scared. You’re looking at just a two-week window of normality. In my head I was calculating that by christmas, with a bit of luck I would finally be on six monthly appointments and everything would be back to normal. I would be able to put everything finally out of my mind.
So while sitting there watching about a million musical.ly and dub smash videos by the kids I popped a bottle of bubbles in the fridge, as why waste an opportunity to celebrate?