Sometimes (most of the time) I sit at the keyboard unsure of where my blog is going. I feel I have only one sentence to write so it’s not really worth a blog, but then my verbal diarrhoea kicks in and I realise I’ve written quite a bit. Today though I think its going to be a short one because I know I have no answers to what’s on my mind.
A few weeks ago I was talking to a friend who had recently been given the ‘all clear!’ Happy days. He will remain being checked for 10 years but it has gone and is very unlikely to return. Fantastic! He asked if I was the same? All clear with regular checks? My answer is always a little tricky. Do I lie and continue along the jovial lines, smiling, laughing and high fiving each other? Or do I pop everyone else’s balloon around me? Will I then become the miserable bitch that no-one wants to see, because my life and my truth is too painful and hard for others to deal with? It casts a cloud on your sunny day. It’s difficult isn’t it? I spend most of the time happy and smiling in the belief that the f**ker won’t return, but if you ask me a question, should I tell the truth that 50% of ocular melanoma patients develop liver mets? It is then terminal. Or should I lie and protect my interrogator? Rightly or wrongly I don’t protect my family and friends, they get the truth, warts and all. This is because I need to feel I’m not alone with my fears and concerns. A problem shared is a problem halved and all that. So my reasons are entirely selfish, I’m looking for help. Those kind enough to ask but who are not in the ‘inner circle’ are treated to a “yeah fine” when enquiring after my eye. I know they secretly breath a sigh of relief and that’s fine too. My husband says I shouldn’t worry about these things, but I do. I don’t want people to avoid me or feel uncomfortable around me, just like I don’t want to avoid people and feel uncomfortable around them. So everyone is after the same thing, it can just be a little awkward getting there. My blog allows me to answer a lot of difficult questions people have and helps me to avoid uncomfortable conversations. But to me humour is the main thing that breaks down the barriers. At a recent family event my brother-in-law turned to me saying “yeah yeah, don’t come with your eye cancer story, you’ll get no sympathy from me. Ooh I’m deaf in one ear and going blind in one eye. Doesn’t wash. Go and get a round in.” And I loved him for it.
But I’ve digressed. My reason for this blog, my question that I have no answer to, is what most of my friends ask when they are told the truth. What my ‘all clear’ friend asked when I didn’t join in the happy dance. The question I get time and time again is “God. How do you deal with that?”
Answers on a postcard please xxx