Walking my gorgeous labradoodle Barney in the park yesterday I noticed the crocuses were out and a surprising solo fat bee was spotted. It could only mean one thing…. the marathon is getting closer!
Remind me why I wanted to do this?! Oh yes it’s for a good cause. It’s for charity. What was I thinking? It seemed a good idea back then in the summer. The weather was good and I had visions of just ambling along to the finish line in April without too much of an effort. Was the last hideous nightmare of running the marathon so awful that it has been erased from my mind? How had I fooled myself into thinking this would be fun?
But I have pushed myself out religiously, three times a week since this started back in August. Even throughout January on some bitterly cold mornings. I have become a bit of a weather checker to see when the best day to run is. I have ‘strava’ on my phone to record my times and yes, there have been evenings where I may have glanced back over it, ‘impressed’ with my progress! Where has this imposter called Ruth come from? I have even been accused of turning into my lycra and carbon fibre loving husband. Yes things are that bad. It has become a bit of an obsession. My Running World magazine drops through the letter box and I ‘can’t wait’ to read it!!! I have ordered a food shop with lots of non-alcoholic sparkling wines (they are actually very nice), and am obsessed with what fuel will get me round the course, even attempting home made flapjacks rather than ghastly running gels. What is going on?!
Well I think I know and I shall try and explain. When I last did the marathon I hated it. I really actually quite resented it. It encroached on my life and made be grumpy. I just wanted it over. I did it just so that I could say “I’ve done it.” Which I said a lot. It was a tick on the bucket list and not a very inspiring reason. The difference with this marathon is the rationale for running it. This time round I need it.
As you all know running has given me something else to think about other than cancer. It has definitely got me though my darkest days. Sometimes running with tears streaming down my face as I wait for results or when I think about not being there for my family. Running tires me physically when my mind won’t stop the “what if’s?” It exhausts me so that when my head hits the pillow it allows me to sleep. It makes me feel well so I can convince myself that there is no more cancer. And I have lost 10lbs and have buns of steel!! What’s not to love? A friend commented recently that I seem more enthusiastic this time round and I am, because I feel so well on it. That feeling gives me peace and allows me to sleep.
As I approach the 3 year mark I know it will be hard, as it is the time many of us eye cancer lot have in our minds as ‘the average time it takes to get to the liver.’ I know I will need running more than ever then, which is lucky, as it will coincide with my longest training runs! So however much I still don’t love running, my need for it gets me out there. And of course I am running for a fantastic charity, Ocumeluk, which has allowed me to meet some quite wonderful people. Some of whom are no longer with us, some are still fighting their very courageous battles, a lot of whom show me strength and determination that I know I lack. And many of whom leave me in awe of just how they do it. So for all you lovely OM’ers this marathon is for you and for my need to sleep!
p.s Next eye check is in February. All seems good on that front so not worried. Will keep you posted.
Ruth xxx
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