People who used to work with me will know, as I often said, I’m terrible at reflecting on my thoughts and feelings, as I guess most people are. Who has the time to sit down and think through why you might be feeling upset or hurt? I just ‘get over it,’ which of course may never sort a problem out. That is why I’ve been amazed at how reflective I have been over the past month. Really thinking about what makes me happy and what I want to do or change in my life, other than just coming off social media. This is where the book came in. Writing makes me happy and keeps me occupied. But don’t get me wrong, I am under no illusion it will ever be published or read by those other than who I pay, or who take pity on me, but it keeps me focused on positive things. It creates dreams, where I see my book published and in Waterstones and people telling me how wonderful it is. Dreams where I have an agent who negotiates a six-figure deal to have my book published and sold to a film company and it is then made into a box office hit. Dreams where I’m played by someone who most resembles me, probably Jennifer Anniston? Catherine zeta Jones? Cindy Crawford? Or an amalgamation of the three. Dreams where my leading man is…Sorry was I getting carried away? It gives me a warm feeling that others may get from participating in a sporting event, the cyclist who dreams of being in the Tour de France (I wonder who?), playing golf with friends but dreaming of winning the open, selling one of your paintings, coming first in a baking competition (the dream of my youngest), finishing a marathon (tick. I’ve done that. Have I ever mentioned it?) or spotting a rare bird on your many walks with your trusty binoculars. And that is what is important, having those dreams. Living your life but living your dreams too. Life is too short to live with regrets of what you would have liked to have done or achieved. I want to give it my best shot now because you never know how long you have left. And just in case you’re worried, I’m not turning into a know it all guru on life because of my cancer experience, I have just realised that this hideous cancer experience has helped me find my dream. Where acupuncture and counselling failed, living in cloud cuckoo land has succeeded. Through doing this blog I have found something I enjoy doing as much as my husband loves lycra. If that’s even possible.
My other change is I am no longer answering messages about my appointments and check-ups. I felt I needed to take back some control over who I talk to about it. This may seem very odd when you are reading all about it on my blog, but that is written when I am ready. People worry and care and that causes them to pick up the phone to tell someone else what I may have just shared with them, which eventually comes back to me with phone calls and interrogations that I wasn’t ready to share openly and discuss. My blog is less personal and allows me more control. People then send lovely messages and e-mails rather than firing questions at me. All much more relaxing. And I love receiving them.
And now my update on yesterday’s eye appointment. It was all good. It fact my eye consultant described the tumour as ‘beautiful.’ Not sure that is an adjective I would use to describe it, but I understood her meaning. It was reacting beautifully to the radiotherapy. It is now very pale. No fluid near it. Sort of the same size, which I have come to expect from my tumour. I think of it as a steady sort of chap. One who doesn’t really like change or doing anything excitable. I can cope with that. I don’t want a crazy maverick living in my eye, causing all sorts of problems with his unpredictable conduct. So the same size is acceptable behaviour and I am on a four month reprieve -hooray!
Lastly – we have a teenager in the house again. Middle child has turned 13! Luckily there was no “God I hate you!” moments this morning, but I am well prepared for them when they come. The wine cupboard is fully stocked.
Have a good few months everyone. I’m off to follow my dreams (or live in cloud cuckoo land, but both places are good places to be) as you never know you may be looking at the next JK Rowling who looks a lot like Cindy Crawford (No laughing please!). But don’t worry I’ll keep my feet firmly on the ground.